Yesterday was by far one of the scariest nights of my life. We had a bible study, and the topic was darkness. There was a time where we had the opportunity to share an experience when we were in the dark, and for some reason I felt like I was being called to share about my anxiety. There was a good period between when my anxiety “took off” and when I started talking to a counselor about it. That period of time was miserable. I was so lost, and my own life scared me.
I’ve told a very little amount of people about my anxiety. I would bring it up if I thought it would help them with a personal issue such as self harm and confidence, and it was always be through the internet, where I could think through my thoughts before they actually reach the other person. Last night was the first night I actually talked about it out loud to a group of people that weren’t my family or extremely close friends.
To say I was scared was an understatement. Throughout the whole time I wanted to cry, and I was shaking. I felt like I was being judged, but there was also a strange of comfort in admitting it out loud. It was beyond hard. I felt like I was reliving the experience again.
After everyone left my anxiety was extremely bad. I don’t regret sharing my past, but I just wish I could tell my mind to handle it better. Now is one of the times where I feel like I can’t control my emotions. I’m trapped inside my own self. I didn’t sleep until the sun came out this morning.
I’ve always preferred night over day, but the comfort of the sun is something I can never explain fully. I tried to sleep so hard last night. I was exhausted, but no matter what I did, no matter how many slow songs I played, no matter how dark I made the room or how comfortable I was, I still couldn’t fall asleep.
My anxiety was bad all throughout today, and I wish I could control it better. I can hold myself up enough to where I don’t have to come crying asking for someone’s presence every 5 minutes like I used to, but I wish I could control my anxiety enough to where I don’t have to sit in my room paranoid out of my mind that someone is after me.
I hate feeling this way. It’s like there’s a wall in between me and everything else. Actually, it’s beyond a wall. I feel like I’m trapped in a bubble or cage of some sort. I hate knowing that I’m letting my anxiety get the best of me. I hate the fact that I’m not fighting as hard as I can.
I don’t want to settle for this. I’m a completely different person than I was 2 years ago. I don’t want my anxiety to turn my life into a pathetic mess. I’m supposed to be getting better, right?
But why is it so damn hard?
I don’t know what else to say, but I don’t want to finish this post. I was never good at keeping diaries and such, and even when my counselor recommended for me to start writing down my feelings, I still never followed through it.
This is different, though. I find an odd sense of comfort just sitting here confiding everything, and for once being “naked.” I don’t know how else to admit my feelings to myself, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. But this is just an outlet where I feel like for once I’m being judged.
I feel like I can’t talk to any other human being about everything that goes in my head. Not my family, not my friends, and not even myself at times. When I’m just sitting here aimlessly typing all my feelings, I feel like I’m just simply stating them. I’m dealing with the stress of knowing that I’m being ignored or the stress of knowing the people “listening” to me don’t care. It’s like I’m just throwing everything out to absolutely no one, and it feels like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders.
I don’t plan on reading this whole entire blog back over, but in this moment, releasing every single bit of poison out is comforting.
I don’t even know what I’m saying, and honestly my mind is just completely blank. I just want to be genuinely happy already.