September 14, 2014
September 14

I’m so torn between everything. I know what I want, but everything drags me down and away from it all. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore. There’s nothing to make me smile. I’m desperately wanting to be fixed, but I don’t try to change anything. And that’s what sucks the most. It sucks to know that I’m giving up, but if I’m being completely honest, I don’t mind at all. I’ve come to settling in the pain, and I’m just done trying to fight it. 

September 14, 2014
September 13

Wow I haven’t written here in so long. But basically nothing has changed. I find myself feeling worse and worse. I hate it, to be honest. I keep thinking of the future, and how eventually I’ll be happy, but will I really? What if I just stay like this forever? I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. My will to do anything seems to diminish every single day. I want to cut. So bad. Ultimately I’m just tired of everything. No amount of writing or practicing an instrument can make me smile. It’s all just stressful and messed up.

August 5, 2014
August 5

Life kinda sucks, but what can I say? I’ve been avoiding writing for a while. I’m not really sure why.

Yesterday was the start of marching band. I pretty much had a panic attack. On my way there I was on the verge of tears, and I was crying and shaking. I honestly don’t like band as much as everyone said I would, but I have no choice but to stick with it for the next 4 years. 

Today was the presale for the 5SOS concert next year. My mom got tickets, lawn GA to be exact. I feel so selfish right now, yet at the same time I feel so neglected. My parents know how much 5sos means to be, and they know I really wanted to get good seats. I was willing to pay for my ticket and everything since I have money saved up for this. 

Those 4 boys mean the absolute world to me, and I hate that my family doesn’t understand that. More than anything I just want to be there, somewhat near the stage (surely not on the lawn), seeing my biggest inspirations do what they do. But instead I’ll be on the lawn, really far away. Plus, my family will be there with me, and that’s probably the biggest restriction I could ever think of. 

This sucks. I know I should be thankful, but I’m not. Is that wrong? I don’t want to spend the time from now until the concert sulking, but I honestly cannot help it. I’m just so disappointed. I can’t show any of my feelings to this around my parents because that’ll make them have second thoughts about it. I know they’ll just get mad at me, and I know they’ll say things that will put me down. 

This may seem stupid, being so disappointed about not getting good tickets. But when people make such an impact on your life, and they don’t even know you, you just want to do as much as you can to get as close to them as possible. I just want to seem them on stage. I want to be able to make out their body parts and different movements. I want to take pictures so I can remember it forever. This sounds so stupid.

I hate myself. This blog post was a big mess for sure. I’m not sure what’s going to happen after this, but one things I know for sure is the fact that I won’t be paying for my ticket with my own money. I hate myself. 

July 28, 2014
July 28

I skipped a devotional session a couple days ago. I feel so detached from everything. I feel myself getting better, but at the same time it’s like more parts of me are being swallowed up by this big black hole that I’m trying to escape. 

Eleanor isn’t doing very well. There’s a good chance she’ll be passing soon, and I hate to think that. People say she’s faking her cancer, and honestly I don’t care if she is or not. With the small amount of time we’ve DMed each other, I’ve gotten to know her a little bit better and honestly she’s one of the greatest people I’ve ever talked to. Even if she’s faking, she’ll still be gone from twitter, and I’ll still lose a friend. I hate to think that she’s leaving this world. No one like her deserves it. If I could, I would trade places with her. We were supposed to video chat today, just so we could see each other face to face before time runs out. Before we even got the chance to, her health declined immensely. 

The fact that your life can end any second scares me. Because honestly, I’m not ready to leave this world. Yes, I want to die, but at this point I don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die an unhappy person. It’s just all confusing because while I want to get better and stay alive, I want to just leave. It’s so conflicting and I don’t know what to do. 

My anxiety has been insanely high. Last night I didn’t sleep until around 4 in the morning. I’m scared that my mind is taking over once again, but I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t have the will to fight stronger against all these negative thoughts. 

I feel the most sad I’ve felt since this whole recovery thing started, and I can’t explain why. All the other times I felt terrible, something triggered it. But now? It’s like all of a sudden I was dunked into a bucket of sadness. I know a lot of this has to do with Eleanor, but I don’t think that’s the only reason. 

It’s all overwhelming and I can barely keep up with it. My wrists are tingling more and more every single day, and I hate having to fight it. 

Everything just makes me sad. Yes, I smile here and there, but nothing has taken away the pit in my stomach full of anxiety and sadness. 

I don’t know what to do at this point, but I don’t want to give up. I’m so confused and ultimately scared for everything. I feel like a failure more and more as the start of band camp starts. 

This is so hard.

July 26, 2014
July 26

Yesterday was by far one of the scariest nights of my life. We had a bible study, and the topic was darkness. There was a time where we had the opportunity to share an experience when we were in the dark, and for some reason I felt like I was being called to share about my anxiety. There was a good period between when my anxiety “took off” and when I started talking to a counselor about it. That period of time was miserable. I was so lost, and my own life scared me. 

I’ve told a very little amount of people about my anxiety. I would bring it up if I thought it would help them with a personal issue such as self harm and confidence, and it was always be through the internet, where I could think through my thoughts before they actually reach the other person.  Last night was the first night I actually talked about it out loud to a group of people that weren’t my family or extremely close friends.

To say I was scared was an understatement. Throughout the whole time I wanted to cry, and I was shaking. I felt like I was being judged, but there was also a strange of comfort in admitting it out loud. It was beyond hard. I felt like I was reliving the experience again. 

After everyone left my anxiety was extremely bad. I don’t regret sharing my past, but I just wish I could tell my mind to handle it better. Now is one of the times where I feel like I can’t control my emotions. I’m trapped inside my own self. I didn’t sleep until the sun came out this morning. 

I’ve always preferred night over day, but the comfort of the sun is something I can never explain fully. I tried to sleep so hard last night. I was exhausted, but no matter what I did, no matter how many slow songs I played, no matter how dark I made the room or how comfortable I was, I still couldn’t fall asleep. 

My anxiety was bad all throughout today, and I wish I could control it better. I can hold myself up enough to where I don’t have to come crying asking for someone’s presence every 5 minutes like I used to, but I wish I could control my anxiety enough to where I don’t have to sit in my room paranoid out of my mind that someone is after me. 

I hate feeling this way. It’s like there’s a wall in between me and everything else. Actually, it’s beyond a wall. I feel like I’m trapped in a bubble or cage of some sort. I hate knowing that I’m letting my anxiety get the best of me. I hate the fact that I’m not fighting as hard as I can. 

I don’t want to settle for this. I’m a completely different person than I was 2 years ago. I don’t want my anxiety to turn my life into a pathetic mess. I’m supposed to be getting better, right? 

But why is it so damn hard? 

I don’t know what else to say, but I don’t want to finish this post. I was never good at keeping diaries and such, and even when my counselor recommended for me to start writing down my feelings, I still never followed through it. 

This is different, though. I find an odd sense of comfort just sitting here confiding everything, and for once being “naked.” I don’t know how else to admit my feelings to myself, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. But this is just an outlet where I feel like for once I’m being judged.

I feel like I can’t talk to any other human being about everything that goes in my head. Not my family, not my friends, and not even myself at times. When I’m just sitting here aimlessly typing all my feelings, I feel like I’m just simply stating them. I’m dealing with the stress of knowing that I’m being ignored or the stress of knowing the people “listening” to me don’t care. It’s like I’m just throwing everything out to absolutely no one, and it feels like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. 

I don’t plan on reading this whole entire blog back over, but in this moment, releasing every single bit of poison out is comforting. 

I don’t even know what I’m saying, and honestly my mind is just completely blank. I just want to be genuinely happy already. 

July 24, 2014
July 24 

Yesterday was a rough day. I spent the morning with neutral feelings. I wasn’t feeling overly positive or anything, but I was happy enough to go throughout the morning without breaking down. At around 3 in the afternoon I decided to go practice my band music, but ended up finding out that I don’t even have it. I feel like such a failure, spending 2 months not even bothering to check if I at least had it somewhere. I looked through everything, and it was no where to be seen. Vivian sent me pictures of it and told me not to be stressed out, but I still can’t help but feel like such a failure.

I feel like everyone has such high expectations for me. Because I play so many instruments, learn musical theory, and got 1st chair in the region I’m expected to be so good at everything musical, when honestly I’m not. My sister is so responsible, and I’m expected to be just as responsible as her. It scares me, knowing that I can’t easily live up to all they want in me. School hasn’t even started yet and I feel like I’ve already let so many people down. I literally fail at every single thing I do. When I told my sister I couldn’t find the music I could tell she was disappointed in me, even though she didn’t express it as much. I just wish I were good enough.

The highlight of my day was definitely dancing to the 5sos album in the morning. Even just for a little bit, this band makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about and nothing to be sad about.

Hopefully today will be a better day.

July 23, 2014
July 23

I know nobody is going to read this, and my intentions for this blog is not for attention, but just to get my feeling out, which is something my counselor recommended. 

2 days ago I started my “recovery” and I started this blog as well. I wrote a blog post, but almost immediately after I wrote it my day took a sudden turn and I wasn’t feeling as positive as I stated in my blog post. Now, it being the 3rd day into this, I feel like it’s just right for me to start fresh with posts since I have a much better grasp of what I want to accomplish.

The first day was hell. In my deleted post, I wrote how productive and positive I was feeling. About an hour after that, things happened with my family and I felt terrible. It was a small, petty thing, simply my mom and sister going out to eat and leaving me behind, but it made me feel so low about myself again. My self esteem is so low, and I take little things like that to the extreme, blowing it up to further engrave the fact that I’m worthless to my mind. I sat in bed and cried so much. I hated it. I hate feeling like I’m nothing, but I honestly can’t help it. It’s like a permanent mark printed all over me, inside and out so that I can’t forget it. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and even though it improved a little bit towards the end, I still didn’t feel as happy as I would’ve liked to feel.

Yesterday, the 22nd, was so much happier. It was the 5SOS album release day, and it was phenomenal. I woke up at 6 to watch the news, and basically watched 2 1/2 hours until the boys performed on the Today Show. I felt so proud watching them on TV. Not too long after, I listened to them on Ryan Seacrest. I didn’t watch the Sirius livestream because I couldn’t get access to it. They announced their show at the Forum, which made me extremely happy as well. I can’t believe they’re going to perform at such an amazing venue. My mom took me out to get the album, and seeing it at Target made me smile the biggest smile I’ve smiled in a while. As soon as I got home I listened to it, and throughout that whole 53 minutes forgot everything that was bothering me and just enjoyed myself. Their music makes me so incredibly happy. “Tomorrow Never Dies” personally means the most to me, since, obviously, I’m trying to get better, and this song is just like an anthem that motivates me to keep pushing forward. I had the album on repeat for the rest of the day. Throughout the whole day twitter was exploding, tumblr was exploding, instagram was exploding, and I myself was exploding. I was so happy and proud and I couldn’t stop smiling. I went to bed with the biggest smile on my face, all thanks to 5SOS. 

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